monday, september 6th, 2010 at approximately 8:45ish pm i drove away, almost blinded by tears, and a deep heavy lump of loneliness in my gut, from the love of my life. knowing it would be 2 or 3 weeks before i would get a letter...or even hear his voice...it was almost unbearable. but i told myself on the drive home that it would be good...good for him...good for me...good for us! i told myself i would have so much time for myself...time to explore and reclaim my individuality and independence. when tommy was done with boot camp, i would be well on my way with my art and photography. it was a good little pep talk...very encouraging! i was going to be fine! but i woke up the next morning filled to the brim with tears again...i couldn't even make it through a full shift at work! i became a slug from september 7th on. weighed down by loneliness and a hollow incomplete feeling of myself. i looked at this picture of us over and over...the last one before we parted ways.
what was wrong with me? "i am a strong independent woman of substance!" i should be whole without him! to be honest...it was somewhat embarrassing for me. i wasn't the kind of woman to be so lost without my man. the feelings and emotions i went through were all so revealing! it was scary to confront them...but illuminating to understand them. his absence made me sad and lonely. i came to understand that i DID indeed need him in my life...he IS a part of my whole...and accepting this didn't mean losing my independence or my individuality...accepting this became a part of my independence and my individuality. it felt like coming out of the dark...made me wonder, " how long was i there?"
after the realization - next post!
