Life since 09/07/2010...the first 2 or 3 weeks

monday, september 6th, 2010 at approximately 8:45ish pm i drove away, almost blinded by tears, and a deep heavy lump of loneliness in my gut, from the love of my life. knowing it would be 2 or 3 weeks before i would get a letter...or even hear his voice...it was almost unbearable. but i told myself on the drive home that it would be good...good for him...good for me...good for us! i told myself i would have so much time for myself...time to explore and reclaim my individuality and independence. when tommy was done with boot camp, i would be well on my way with my art and photography. it was a good little pep talk...very encouraging! i was going to be fine! but i woke up the next morning filled to the brim with tears again...i couldn't even make it through a full shift at work! i became a slug from september 7th on. weighed down by loneliness and a hollow incomplete feeling of myself. i looked at this picture of us over and over...the last one before we parted ways.



what was wrong with me? "i am a strong independent woman of substance!" i should be whole without him! to be honest...it was somewhat embarrassing for me. i wasn't the kind of woman to be so lost without my man. the feelings and emotions i went through were all so revealing! it was scary to confront them...but illuminating to understand them. his absence made me sad and lonely. i came to understand that i DID indeed need him in my life...he IS a part of my whole...and accepting this didn't mean losing my independence or my individuality...accepting this became a part of my independence and my individuality. it felt like coming out of the dark...made me wonder, " how long was i there?"

after the realization - next post!

Updates

tommy doesn't like the idea of me putting so much personal information involving him in my blog so i'll avoid major details. to summarize: we moved out from the apartment we were sharing and are trying to be friends. the transition was literally the hardest thing i've had to do in my life thus far. the tears and heartache were shattering. the best decisions shouldn't be so hard, but unfortunately often times they are. sucks. i felt like i was a black hole...emotions whirled around and settled down inside me and were then cast out in to an abyss. probably the worst depression i have ever felt! but i got a really cool picture out of it. i used oil pastels on regular sketch paper. this is me in my puffy faced endless tears distress while composing this expression of feeling like a black hole:




so my hands get dirty any time i do any kind of art project. it never fails! but i like it. makes me feel closer to what i've put all my energy and thoughts in to. i probably looked worse at various times throughout this process, but snot and scary black rivers on my face probably would have been an over share! here's the best pic i could get of the final product. also, took a pic of the crappy poem i wrote that somewhat inspired it.



i've gotten through the worst of it i think. i still get teary eyed looking through photos or ticket stubs and souvenirs...but it doesn't hurt so much. i also think that tommy and i are going to be able to stay friends...i really hope so anyway!

moved in with my grandma, and no i am not ashamed of being a 27 year old woman living with my grandma. in fact, this time i have with her will be something i'll cherish for the rest of my life. we are so much alike! stubborn and strong willed! we won't ask for help unless it's a last resort. we'll drive ourselves to the hospital even if we feel like we're dying (true story). we'll order pick up at our favorite mexican restaurant so we don't have to pay the extra price to split a plate dining in.



she's kind of a big deal! and she's an artist too! i'll have to take some photos of her paintings and share. i'll also be sharing more of my art as well. i totally fail at computer business and proper terminology but i plan on figuring out a way to create a navigational bar of some sort with links to the various parts of this blog i want to expand on. i'd like to have an art section, photography section, a video section (i'll share more about my ideas for this later), random memories section, and of course just the daily blog type of sharing. i think it could be fun! oh yeah and a travel section!

there's a bit of my plans for this blog. any suggestions on tutorials for web design type of stuff would be appreciated! and moving on...

i'm feeling sick. there's been this head cold, stopped up nose, drainage down the back of my throat, overall nastiness feeling going on for a little over a week. i thought it was getting better with my vitamin C defense, but it's making an appearance again. so my brain is getting fuzzy now...that would be the point of me sharing this. i was going to write more, but the snot and mucus seem to be distracting my cells and brain waves. yay. bye for now!

What to do?

i just turned 27 on the 9th and i actually feel older this year. i'm not afraid of aging and when some of my friends are saying, "No More Birthdays!" i'm saying bring 'em on! however, i am afraid of running out of time...and time does indeed move incredibly fast in my world! lately i have come in contact with some old friends that i haven't really talked with much in the last several years. it's so crazy how much their lives have changed! seriously crazy! they are able to summarize their lives with momentous events and my summary of the last 5 or 6 years is usually, "just working. live with my boyfriend. have a photography degree but not doing anything with it. trying to save money...just living each day." make sure you read that with a trace of failure and embarrassing pauses between statements! ah i know i sound like a whiny baby! i am actually proud of my life and my accomplishments. i do feel incredibly blessed! so please don't think of me as one of those people who complain all the time but do nothing to fix whatever it is worth complaining about! i'm really not that person...or i wasn't at least...maybe i am that person sometimes but i try really hard not to be! anyway! that's just a little blip of my feelings on being another year older. i'm writing to share a bit of a predicament i guess. being another year older has made me excited to make some serious changes this next year!

one of these changes was to move in with my grandma in order to help her and the family out and for me to save some money to acquire what i need for my photography business and to do some traveling that everyone knows i'm so desperate for! however! when i shared this with tommy, who i currently live with remember, he was not so thrilled. i knew he would be upset but i also assumed that it would be something for us to work through...assuming is never a good idea apparently. he feels like i'm just trying to break up with him; that i've left him to figure out what he is going to do on his own; that it's all about money and since he lost his job recently i'm just abandoning him because of money; that his family and friends think i should have asked if he wanted to live with my grandma too...just a bunch of negative stuff!

1) i told him i wasn't breaking up with him...that things haven't really been great with us anyway and maybe us living together isn't really the right place to be at this time in our relationship. maybe a little more space would be beneficial to the relationship.

2) i thought he would either decide to live with his friend john or take the opportunity to save some money as well by living with his parents. he doesn't like either option. i understand living with parents at a certain age can be challenging, but i also believe it's a nice option to have people that will love you and help you at any age in life. i have felt like for a long time that tommy's friendship with john means more to him than his relationship with me. tommy shakes his head every time but if it's something i have addressed countless times, there has to be something to it right? as much bromance as i feel exists in their friendship, tommy does not want john for a roommate. so i apologized to tommy for assuming he would be willing to take one of these options.

3) it is about money!!! but it's not because he lost his job. i need money...for me...just me! a nice lens is at least $350...that's the cheapest you can go! traveling costs money...you have to pay to get where your going and you have to pay to stay where you're visiting. so yes...money is necessary! tommy's hobbies and interest are free. he can play video games and computer games without having to save hundreds of dollars. my career, which is also my passion, takes money. my desire to travel takes money. i can't ask him to save his money for me to do something i enjoy...he hasn't before so why should he now? i'd prefer to take control of that situation on my own.

4) i do not believe in boyfriends and girlfriends living with each other in one or the other's families' homes. i think it's okay for married couples to be in these situations because shit happens and sometimes family is all that can save you. boyfriends and girlfriends need to figure something else out...that's just one of those things i believe in.

tommy says that he and i are family and that at this point in our relationship we cannot abandon each other. we are supposed to be there for each other and work through hard times together. this is so hard right now because i have been telling him over and over and OVER that our relationship has been broken and needs serious attention. he has not been giving it that attention. so at this point i want to do things for myself. i want to make decisions that make me happy. but i love him and i feel terrible for making this decision to live with my grandma. he won't accept it at all. so i said, "fine." we'll continue leaving in these crappy apartments because we can't afford deposits to move. i'll figure something out in order for me to have extra money to get what i need. i will make sacrifices in my life so i don't hurt tommy. i'll visit my grandma more than once or twice a week so that i'm helping more in some tangible way. what else can i do?

so this next year of my life and my first decision on how to make positive changes is not working out so well. i want to save money but rent, debt, and bills make that a challenge. i want to move forward but being in a relationship with someone who doesn't think about the future makes the motion a little restricted. i want to be happy...but i don't want to make others unhappy. i don't know what to do.

for the record as depressing as this entry may have been, i'm not wallowing around in my misery! the sun is out and the sky is blue so it's time for me to face the day!