What to do?

i just turned 27 on the 9th and i actually feel older this year. i'm not afraid of aging and when some of my friends are saying, "No More Birthdays!" i'm saying bring 'em on! however, i am afraid of running out of time...and time does indeed move incredibly fast in my world! lately i have come in contact with some old friends that i haven't really talked with much in the last several years. it's so crazy how much their lives have changed! seriously crazy! they are able to summarize their lives with momentous events and my summary of the last 5 or 6 years is usually, "just working. live with my boyfriend. have a photography degree but not doing anything with it. trying to save money...just living each day." make sure you read that with a trace of failure and embarrassing pauses between statements! ah i know i sound like a whiny baby! i am actually proud of my life and my accomplishments. i do feel incredibly blessed! so please don't think of me as one of those people who complain all the time but do nothing to fix whatever it is worth complaining about! i'm really not that person...or i wasn't at least...maybe i am that person sometimes but i try really hard not to be! anyway! that's just a little blip of my feelings on being another year older. i'm writing to share a bit of a predicament i guess. being another year older has made me excited to make some serious changes this next year!

one of these changes was to move in with my grandma in order to help her and the family out and for me to save some money to acquire what i need for my photography business and to do some traveling that everyone knows i'm so desperate for! however! when i shared this with tommy, who i currently live with remember, he was not so thrilled. i knew he would be upset but i also assumed that it would be something for us to work through...assuming is never a good idea apparently. he feels like i'm just trying to break up with him; that i've left him to figure out what he is going to do on his own; that it's all about money and since he lost his job recently i'm just abandoning him because of money; that his family and friends think i should have asked if he wanted to live with my grandma too...just a bunch of negative stuff!

1) i told him i wasn't breaking up with him...that things haven't really been great with us anyway and maybe us living together isn't really the right place to be at this time in our relationship. maybe a little more space would be beneficial to the relationship.

2) i thought he would either decide to live with his friend john or take the opportunity to save some money as well by living with his parents. he doesn't like either option. i understand living with parents at a certain age can be challenging, but i also believe it's a nice option to have people that will love you and help you at any age in life. i have felt like for a long time that tommy's friendship with john means more to him than his relationship with me. tommy shakes his head every time but if it's something i have addressed countless times, there has to be something to it right? as much bromance as i feel exists in their friendship, tommy does not want john for a roommate. so i apologized to tommy for assuming he would be willing to take one of these options.

3) it is about money!!! but it's not because he lost his job. i need money...for me...just me! a nice lens is at least $350...that's the cheapest you can go! traveling costs money...you have to pay to get where your going and you have to pay to stay where you're visiting. so yes...money is necessary! tommy's hobbies and interest are free. he can play video games and computer games without having to save hundreds of dollars. my career, which is also my passion, takes money. my desire to travel takes money. i can't ask him to save his money for me to do something i enjoy...he hasn't before so why should he now? i'd prefer to take control of that situation on my own.

4) i do not believe in boyfriends and girlfriends living with each other in one or the other's families' homes. i think it's okay for married couples to be in these situations because shit happens and sometimes family is all that can save you. boyfriends and girlfriends need to figure something else out...that's just one of those things i believe in.

tommy says that he and i are family and that at this point in our relationship we cannot abandon each other. we are supposed to be there for each other and work through hard times together. this is so hard right now because i have been telling him over and over and OVER that our relationship has been broken and needs serious attention. he has not been giving it that attention. so at this point i want to do things for myself. i want to make decisions that make me happy. but i love him and i feel terrible for making this decision to live with my grandma. he won't accept it at all. so i said, "fine." we'll continue leaving in these crappy apartments because we can't afford deposits to move. i'll figure something out in order for me to have extra money to get what i need. i will make sacrifices in my life so i don't hurt tommy. i'll visit my grandma more than once or twice a week so that i'm helping more in some tangible way. what else can i do?

so this next year of my life and my first decision on how to make positive changes is not working out so well. i want to save money but rent, debt, and bills make that a challenge. i want to move forward but being in a relationship with someone who doesn't think about the future makes the motion a little restricted. i want to be happy...but i don't want to make others unhappy. i don't know what to do.

for the record as depressing as this entry may have been, i'm not wallowing around in my misery! the sun is out and the sky is blue so it's time for me to face the day!