So much...

I drove out to my parents today, but my mama was the only one home. She was tired and not feeling well so I left with the promise to come tomorrow and headed to the lake. Lake Thunderbird is just down the road from where I grew up and though it's known as Lake Dirty Bird, it's always been a great lake to me! I've swam in that lake since I was a little girl and I've camped there since I was 17...it's a good lake...it's red because the mud is red here...hello...it's Oklahoma! I drove out there to take some photos, but instead I drove around with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart. There were so many people there! Out on their boats, camping, grilling, listening to music, fishing, and spending time with friends and family. When I was 17, I had a great group of friends who got together as often as possible to be at the lake. My family was healthy and happy and life was simple and stress free. I guess that's how the perspective is for most young women still in high school with the world right there to conquer. Remembering this time of my life kept me inside of my truck instead of outside taking pictures...I didn't want to capture the lake with all the activity because I wasn't part of that activity! And then I thought...who can I call to come out here and enjoy the lake with me? Tommy has plans today. Amy's in Mexico. Michelle is never available. Roxy's with her family. Christi has a child. Sarah is not well. Ashley's in Iowa. Other friends are all over the United States. Nicole is in Moore. Haven't talked to Jeff in almost 2 years. Friends from work are at work. No one! I couldn't think of anyone that would be able to come out and enjoy the lake with me. My eyes are watering now.

I wished Chris Harp was in Oklahoma. But then I thought...well it's been more than 2 years since I last saw him let alone talk to him so even if he was here, he hasn't made any attempt to be a part of my life this whole time so why would he even want to come out to the lake with me? I've lost him too.

I've lost the lake chapters of my life. I can't even recreate them because everything is so different. But that's life isn't it? We grow up, we change, we live separate lives, and nothing is ever the same. I just wish...I wish so much...that I could at least go back in time for a weekend at the lake with my friends.

The sadness has seized me now. I'm crying and the pressure in my chest is so great I feel like this heavy sob needs to escape and echo through time. The echo could travel back 10 years and alert me that I need to hold on to the moments I love and understand that they must be cherished because I will never have them again.

Alcohol is a depressant. That's an excuse for the tears.

Really though...I'm not depressed. I've battled depression for years but I can control it now. It's just that in this moment I want things to be different. I want to be at the lake right now! I want tiki torches surrounding the sight and a fire blazing with music playing softly. I want laughter and stories and enjoyment without alcohol. I want a tent full of people all smashed together. I want to wake up with the sun beating down on me coaxing me out of a crowded sleeping mesh of friends. I want simplicity...so much!

Well there it is. A useless dream. An unattainable wish. The past. Time for bed. I will think about the good ol' times though as I settle down...and I'll hope for dreams of the past.