Reality

My friend Amy and I once talked about "magazine picture lives." How you can see someone's pictures, or walk through someone's house, or read someone's story and wonder how their lives can sound so perfect. So glossy and pristine like the photos from a magazine. Everything is in it's place. Everyone is wearing the perfect clothes...they have the perfect skin and hair...they go on the best trips...they know exactly what to say and how to say it at the perfect time. You have some sort of vision of this person and you think, "damn...why can't my life be like that?" But Amy and I realize that no one can ever know what's behind the scenes of the magazine people's lives. Amy, for example, wouldn't describe her life as magazine material, but my perception of it is just that. When I told her this, she said thank you and I said it was true! There's nothing wrong with a magazine photo life...as long as it isn't a lie! Lies aren't the topic here though. Reality is the topic. Photos of my office, my kitchen, my bedroom, my truck...they would show you clutter, dirty dishes, messy floors, and an over all lack of beauty. They could make the magazines covering the more raw and photo journalistic aspects of life...but the pretty stuff?...no absolutely not. Here's a dose of it in all it's glory!





I share this because...I don't know. I'm angry right now. I'm angry that someone is accusing me of judging. That someone has taken advantage of me for years; and as much as I've helped this person, they still find a reason to insult me. Look at my life. There is an ugly side as much as there is a beautiful side. I know I'm not perfect. I know that some photos from my life could be magazine worthy and some photos are trash. I am not pretending to be anything that I am not. I know I could be a better person. I know that my life could be better than it is. I know that I'm in the dark right now. But there are other things I know. I know that my friends have a true and clear picture of me...I don't lie to them. I don't make up stories to explain things to them. I tell them the truth and they still love me. I know that even though my boyfriend isn't always the greatest, he really loves me. He doesn't put me down, and even when I'm at my worst and ugliest, he would do anything for me. I know that I've done right by my family, and even when I have made mistakes or let them down, I've been there any time I was able and have helped them more than most can say. I know that even when I fail myself, it's not the end of the story...I get more tries, more chances, and more opportunities. I can have more magazine photos than photos that end up in the trash...I can. And they won't be lies or stages...they will be truth. A truth in reality that I earned and worked very hard for. I won't be bullied anymore.

Toxic

There is a toxic nest of addictions, lies, and manipulation close by. This place was a nest of love, dreams, and communication not too long ago...I'd say a little over three years ago. But then events happened that caused a steady decay. Lives have crumbled under the weights of illness, pain, and stress. People I love very much have lashed out at my concern...they have reacted so defensively and angrily that my first thought is guilt and denial. My genuine worry is actively rejected and instead turned around as an accusation for my own gain. What do I gain from being upset by some one's life style?

Back in 2005 I was heading down a road of alcoholism. It took several months and several people expressing concern for me before I saw it myself. Shortly after St. Patrick's Day of 2005, my mom asked, "Amy do you think you are dependent on alcohol?" I immediately burst in to tears and confessed yes. Mom was very adamant about me finding an alcoholics anonymous group, and I was very adamant about not attending such a group but instead attending Recovery in Christ at my congregation. But I never did. For me...the realization of my problem was my recovery. I made the conscious decision to not let a substance govern my life. To prove me point I didn't drink a drop for 3 months. And! I continued to spend time with my friends at bars and clubs during this time...still not even a drop. Near the end of my 3 months I was celebrating a friend's birthday with other friends. They were all taking shots and drinking and having a great time. I was having a great time too...but by this time I realized that alcohol was not the key to gaining happiness and thought maybe it would be okay for me to take a shot or at least a sip of something. I knew it wasn't time yet. I developed my own form of recovery and it was working for me. 3 months and I knew I would have control. I believe that addictions should be treated differently for different people depending on the individual them self. I'm the type of person who makes a conscious decision on how to change my life for the better and I do it. Alcohol will never take over my life. That is my vow to myself.

I share this because I'm often accused of being judgmental by those I express concern for. How am I being judgmental when I say, "I'm afraid you have an addiction." When these words were spoken to me, my first thought wasn't judging...my first thought was worry. Why should I judge when I could have easily been judged in my time of need too? This whole blog is written because of a confrontation last night. I didn't even want to say anything to this person...my thoughts about addiction had been on my mind for a while but I knew that they would not be well received. I expressed them in an environment that was not at all conducive to the impending discussion but I was so overwhelmed with concern that they came out prematurely. For that I can apologize, but I will not apologize for my concern. Some people you can talk to and some people you can't. My only hope is that my concern is wrong and that there is no addiction to worry about. If my concern is right on the mark, then I hope someone can find a way to get through this person's defense and denial.

This nest is heartbreaking. I love the people who live in this nest. But I feel like I'm watching them destroy themselves. I'm watching the nest deteriorate under the pills, alcohol, lies, and abuse. I can't help them. I can't fix anything. All I can do is watch and love them until the end.

Overwhelming Passion

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations in Sardinia...tonight's episode. Gah! He makes you so crazy with desire for the places he goes and the foods he eats...the culture he experiences and the people he meets! (Did not mean to rhyme! Ha!) I'm not even going to try and describe Sardinia...well maybe just a little I suppose. Absolutely picturesque of course with the blue skies, rolling green hills, shepherds and their goats, hunks of meat skewered by the fire, and bread (ah sorry can't remember the name of it) topped with fresh goat cheese and local honey. Oh yeah...and wine wine wine...and wine! The buildings in town painted with murals of political scenes could be the photos from a pop up book...vivid and full of life. Sardinia is where Anthony's wife's family lives...or close by anyway...so it was like being a part of a family dinner with each meal. The meals included things I'd never imagine myself eating: snails, eels, blood and bread cooked in a pig's stomach, and a whole baby pig with his innards separated and cooked wrapped in his stomach lining...yum! :) But seriously! I am so open for any new experience including food that I would try anything from anywhere. Hmm...I don't think I'd ever eat dog or cat though...way too domestic and sad! Anyway! Anthony always seems to get totally swept up in his show and it's like his passion is endless. This is really what inspired me to write. I love this show...but I love a lot of things...and really it all comes out of my passion. My passion overwhelms me! I've shared this statement before I'm sure, but I think I'm finally reaching that breaking point where I might just explode if my wanderlust and obsession with the world in all of it's entirety are not fulfilled...like asap I'm talkin'!

Seriously! I need to get out of Oklahoma...or at least start by making it to some places I haven't even seen in my own state! But eventually...soon preferably...I need to take on the world! That was always my dream. I use to write in my journals that I had two dreams: To travel the world and to be kissed. Well there certainly has been enough kissing but not enough traveling! If I could go back to my first kiss at 17 (yes I was that old!), and someone came up to me right there in the lake, while my legs and arms were wrapped around the cute boy and our mouths just breaths away, and said, "Wait...how about going to Ireland instead of kissing this boy?" Well...no doubt about it...Ireland would win that toss up! Or so I say now anyway.

I'm desperate for something different and I feel so alone in this obsession! Most of my girlfriends talk about biological time clocks, marriage, and houses and are happy with their lives and the plans they have with their significant others. Of course they have all done way more travelling than I have and were fortunate enough to grow up in families that could take them on trips every summer or winter...or both! My family gave me more opportunities than any of them ever had and I will forever be grateful for that! But now it's all up to me! Nobody is buying me a ticket on a plane or a boat...nobody is going to take me anywhere. I have to take myself...and that's a hard task when you're so far in debt from only two years of college and a few doctors visits. It's also more difficult that Tommy really has no desire to travel whatsoever! So that's why I'm so aggressive about this...that is why I'm so passionate about all of this. I'm only one woman with the passion equal to that of 100 or more and what I want is all up to me alone! I want something different!!!

No biological time clock exists in me! Marriage is no where in the crystal ball. A house...well I wouldn't mind one of those. But what I want the very most...more than anything...almost anything anyway...is to travel! To taste, listen, smell, and experience the world in every way possible. To capture it all with my camera. To share stories with my family, friends, kids of family and friends. To go wherever I want...live wherever I want for however long...eat and dance and love and cherish the beauty of our earth and the different cultures all over it.

I want it..so I'll have it...eventually.

MTV Music Awards

I was very disappointed with the MTV music awards this year. This is not a show I watch every year and usually only catch pieces of it replayed on talk shows. I for some reason ended up watching the entire thing...ugh. Seriously! What a waste of time! But I guess it was like watching a disaster being covered on the news...one of those things were you just feel terrible and wish you could help in some way and are completely depressed by what you're watching but you keep the TV on anyway! It was like that!

Lady GaGa (I don't even know if that's how her name is spelled) was a psycho with her crazy paparazzi song and then hiking her leg up all trashy on the piano while she played and then bleeding all down her front and wiping it on her face and hanging like some dead zombie with this glassed over eyes thing goin' on. After her performance she changed into a red lacy outfit that covered her face...it was topped with a red hat that was cylindrical with spikes at the top. Then she wore a white fuzzy thing around her head and it looked like she also had a collar with a leash attached...like she was a lion or something. Can she not just sing? Is her voice not enough? I don't think people like her should be referred to as singers...they should be known as performers. Singers with real talent can be show stoppers with just their voices...they don't need stripper dance moves, crazy outfits, and gimmicks.

I love Pink...I think she's wonderful! She did like a trapeze type of performance while singing her song. It was pretty awesome to watch and she sang pretty well considering she was swinging back and forth and upside down and sideways and every kind of way while she sang. BUT! She didn't sound as awesome as she usually does...her voice is amazing but this performance was not a show case of that voice...so ultimately it was a let down. Just sing!!!

The host was trying to be funny but I don't think anyone laughed even once! The band that played in between sets and commercials was so terrible and got no reaction from the audience. Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech to basically say that Beyonce deserved the award and was thus booed anytime his name was spoken.

There were some good parts. Taylor Swift didn't sound as awful as she usually does when singing live. Green Day of course kicked some ass and actually won an award. Muse was really great and showed real singing talent! Alicia Keys played the piano and sang and is truly a gift from God! Michael Jackson was honored with a really awesome video montage combined with dancers performing the same moves as on the video...Janet Jackson joined and rocked it out. There were moments of genuine talent...but they were few.

Hmm...I was going to write more but my boyfriend turned the speakers up for his World of Warcraft game. When I asked him to please turn the volume down he said, "I guess," and shook his head back and for and slammed his drinking glass down. So that pissed me off and I lost my train of thought. Well until next time I guess!