Toxic

There is a toxic nest of addictions, lies, and manipulation close by. This place was a nest of love, dreams, and communication not too long ago...I'd say a little over three years ago. But then events happened that caused a steady decay. Lives have crumbled under the weights of illness, pain, and stress. People I love very much have lashed out at my concern...they have reacted so defensively and angrily that my first thought is guilt and denial. My genuine worry is actively rejected and instead turned around as an accusation for my own gain. What do I gain from being upset by some one's life style?

Back in 2005 I was heading down a road of alcoholism. It took several months and several people expressing concern for me before I saw it myself. Shortly after St. Patrick's Day of 2005, my mom asked, "Amy do you think you are dependent on alcohol?" I immediately burst in to tears and confessed yes. Mom was very adamant about me finding an alcoholics anonymous group, and I was very adamant about not attending such a group but instead attending Recovery in Christ at my congregation. But I never did. For me...the realization of my problem was my recovery. I made the conscious decision to not let a substance govern my life. To prove me point I didn't drink a drop for 3 months. And! I continued to spend time with my friends at bars and clubs during this time...still not even a drop. Near the end of my 3 months I was celebrating a friend's birthday with other friends. They were all taking shots and drinking and having a great time. I was having a great time too...but by this time I realized that alcohol was not the key to gaining happiness and thought maybe it would be okay for me to take a shot or at least a sip of something. I knew it wasn't time yet. I developed my own form of recovery and it was working for me. 3 months and I knew I would have control. I believe that addictions should be treated differently for different people depending on the individual them self. I'm the type of person who makes a conscious decision on how to change my life for the better and I do it. Alcohol will never take over my life. That is my vow to myself.

I share this because I'm often accused of being judgmental by those I express concern for. How am I being judgmental when I say, "I'm afraid you have an addiction." When these words were spoken to me, my first thought wasn't judging...my first thought was worry. Why should I judge when I could have easily been judged in my time of need too? This whole blog is written because of a confrontation last night. I didn't even want to say anything to this person...my thoughts about addiction had been on my mind for a while but I knew that they would not be well received. I expressed them in an environment that was not at all conducive to the impending discussion but I was so overwhelmed with concern that they came out prematurely. For that I can apologize, but I will not apologize for my concern. Some people you can talk to and some people you can't. My only hope is that my concern is wrong and that there is no addiction to worry about. If my concern is right on the mark, then I hope someone can find a way to get through this person's defense and denial.

This nest is heartbreaking. I love the people who live in this nest. But I feel like I'm watching them destroy themselves. I'm watching the nest deteriorate under the pills, alcohol, lies, and abuse. I can't help them. I can't fix anything. All I can do is watch and love them until the end.