The name of the game is change!

i have different blogs in mind for the next few days...or weeks. after my last one i was going to post one titled "thaw" since it's now summer. the snow has been long gone and the leaves have been here for a while. oh well! better late than never i suppose. so the name of the game is change...and not just the seasons! it's truly amazing how after 27 and a half years of one dream and one goal after another, my visions can keep changing! i guess there's nothing wrong with that! after tommy and i broke up, i was set on a plan...self discovery (again) and self indulgence. i discovered my depression had gotten out of control and took the steps to take control...praise for pristiq! i indulged in lots of time with tommy...i embraced the fact that he indeed became my very best friend during the course of our relationship. i fought the path that we were following again...that is being a couple...but if felt good and changes were happening...so this happened...



smiles and kisses...lots. how can you resist love? i'm sure there are ways...but it's hard to resist your best friend and someone you know and who knows you so well. someone who calms you with a touch. someone who brings you flowers just because. someone who makes you happy and someone you want to make happy in return. i believe our love is just too strong to move past. i believe the steps tommy is taking for himself will strengthen our relationship. i'm proud of these steps...



he has sworn into the navy and leaves for boot camp on september 7th. (p.s. i feel bad for the swear in captain's mid expression face but i was a little too intimidated to ask to take another picture!) only 250,000 applicants into the military are accepted out of 600,000 a year. i learned that this day! it was a long process for tommy, but he stayed optimistic and focused. so this summer i will be spending as much time as possible with him. i don't want to even think about what i'm going to do and how i'm going to feel while he's away. but he'll be strong and i'll be strong and i'll have this to kind of help me...





tattoos may seem silly to some people but they are treasures for me. this is based off the warrior symbol for breast cancer awareness. my grandma has been in remission for 2 years from breast cancer. she doesn't have to do chemo while she's in remission but she does a "maintenance" treatment every 3 weeks. this tattoo is for her and also a representation of all the "battles" the people i love face...and all the battles i face. tattoos give me strength. this is my most meaningful one yet. i know i will look to it often for strength...especially while tommy is away! :)

i do plan on more posts than i have been doing...i'll still do the "thaw" one as well! i still have plans in mind for this blog and hope that i am able to share those with you soon. until then...i hope everyone is enjoying their summers and staying cool! wear sunscreen people!!!

Captured by Winter

yesterday i woke up, showered, put makeup on, fixed hair, dressed for work, and was ready to head out the door when i decided to call and see if i even needed to come in...turns out i didn't really. it's a good thing too because it snowed the entire day, and had i gone to work, i might have had some trouble getting home! i was grateful for the snow day! it was especially nice spending the day with my grandma. we drank our coffee and watched the snow fall while we talked about how the earth has shifted and moved over the last thousands of years...it was an interesting conversation i tell ya! :) the day before i bought her the susan boyle cd (the lady who shocked audiences in britain's got talent with her performance of i dreamed a dream). we listened to that and got teary eyed with her rendition of how great thou art...she sang beautifully and it just filled me up with so much passion and emotion. i'll have to share more about my passion for music in another post...it's kind of a big deal! then i bundled up and wrapped my camera up to venture outside for some photography! * click on the images to see them larger...it's better! *



i'm being cheesey with my wrapping techniques...the one below would have worked better but i was finished shooting by the time i decided on this wrapping. oh well! my hair and makeup that were all fixed up for work were quickly destroyed by winter's forces...i basically melted. it was all in the name of photography though so no biggie! here are some favorites! * click to enlarge *







this one was my very favorite i think!





playing with daisies in the snow!







so after getting soaking wet and completely numb, i came inside. grandma made grilled cheese sandwiches for us...it was lovely...the pickles and olives were my favorite parts though! yummy!



later that evening i made oatmeal cookies and chai tea...it really was a lovely wintery day! today we just couldn't imagine staying in the entire day so we ventured out in to the winter wonderland for some burgers at goldies. yummy again! the roads really aren't too terrible unless you're an idiot driver...most people are unfortunately:( i've got the bed of my truck weighed down with about 550 pounds of sand, salt, and pallets...that's helpful!

well i just wanted to share my winter adventures! later i am going to write more about the power of music in my life...that's something that has been on my mind for some time. tonight we are celebrating my brother's upcoming 25th birthday...that is if people don't wimp out because of the weather. i totally rock on the roads no matter what!

Going Away

amy has been one of my best friends for 14 years...since she moved here second semester of 7th grade. we met in choir. she moved here from california, and in my 13 year old eyes she was the very image of a california girl! oklahoma grew on her, and we became like sisters and over the years we faced challenges and difficulties. we've had a million laughs and a few tears...there have been good times and bad times. she and her husband are moving back to california where they will have new jobs, new experiences, and someday some babies! last night was their going away party, and it was so odd! i felt so possessive of her...i wanted to grab her and announce that she was my friend first! i've known her the longest and we've been through the most! so back off people...this is MY sisterfriend! but that wouldn't have been very nice and it's important to share friends:) i plan on visiting them in california as often as i can anyway. so i grabbed our friends bryan and michelle...friends who have practically been there since the beginning as well...and we got some pictures of the original crew. i just wanted to share:)

amy, me, bryan, and michelle

just us girls

and finally just us: amy and amy; amy #1 and amy #2; big amy and little amy; double A's; amy squared; amy times two...the amys.

My Little Space

i mostly don't have any problems living with my grandma. the only challenge is going from having my own kitchen, dining room, living room, bathroom, office, and bedroom...to simply having my own room. my style is very eclectic so spreading it out through a whole apartment isn't so overwhelming. trying to cram as much of it as i can into a little bedroom probably doesn't look so...umm...attractive? but i still like it...it's me...everything is of value to me so i simply cannot part with anything! (click on photos to see bigger)

here you can see my love of scarves and such. the light blue one is from amy...she brought it back from her trip to italy. the yellow one with pink and orange showing is from michelle...she brought it back from a recent cruise. there's also my guitar which i got for my 13th birthday but have never practiced long enough to be really good at it. on the very edge is my easel...currently holding my photography books.




these books are wonderful! there's even a little ireland book hanging out with them...all very inspiring! close up on the mesh of scarves (yes i know they clash) also gives a glimpse of the small pink one...from the breast cancer awareness walk three years ago, and the green one from my trip to boston back in 2003. see? sentimental.



here's a little glimpse at my desk. goofy pic of my sister and me from years ago...we are very weird when you put us together for too long...seriously don't know any sisters like us! you can also see a giant conch shell my friend chris gave me years ago...he said it was very special to him so i've always felt special that he gave it to me. there's also a little sea turtle paper weight michelle got me on another one of her trips. hopefully, you can also see the little frame holding a photo of bryan, amy, and me in a three person tower in the swimming pool. i was tiny back then and could thus be at the very top...good times :) i just thought i'd throw in another pic of my necklaces and bracelets...just 'cause they're lovely!

my room is my little retreat...my only little bubble of independence besides my truck. maybe i'll get bean bags for when girlfriends come over...then we can pretend to be 10 or more years younger...except with wine :)

i'll end with a photo. it's a glossy 4x6 taped to my computer. it's my mama...she's twenty in this photo and i'm probably around 8 months or so. the picture is probably my favorite part of my little room.

Updates

tommy doesn't like the idea of me putting so much personal information involving him in my blog so i'll avoid major details. to summarize: we moved out from the apartment we were sharing and are trying to be friends. the transition was literally the hardest thing i've had to do in my life thus far. the tears and heartache were shattering. the best decisions shouldn't be so hard, but unfortunately often times they are. sucks. i felt like i was a black hole...emotions whirled around and settled down inside me and were then cast out in to an abyss. probably the worst depression i have ever felt! but i got a really cool picture out of it. i used oil pastels on regular sketch paper. this is me in my puffy faced endless tears distress while composing this expression of feeling like a black hole:




so my hands get dirty any time i do any kind of art project. it never fails! but i like it. makes me feel closer to what i've put all my energy and thoughts in to. i probably looked worse at various times throughout this process, but snot and scary black rivers on my face probably would have been an over share! here's the best pic i could get of the final product. also, took a pic of the crappy poem i wrote that somewhat inspired it.



i've gotten through the worst of it i think. i still get teary eyed looking through photos or ticket stubs and souvenirs...but it doesn't hurt so much. i also think that tommy and i are going to be able to stay friends...i really hope so anyway!

moved in with my grandma, and no i am not ashamed of being a 27 year old woman living with my grandma. in fact, this time i have with her will be something i'll cherish for the rest of my life. we are so much alike! stubborn and strong willed! we won't ask for help unless it's a last resort. we'll drive ourselves to the hospital even if we feel like we're dying (true story). we'll order pick up at our favorite mexican restaurant so we don't have to pay the extra price to split a plate dining in.



she's kind of a big deal! and she's an artist too! i'll have to take some photos of her paintings and share. i'll also be sharing more of my art as well. i totally fail at computer business and proper terminology but i plan on figuring out a way to create a navigational bar of some sort with links to the various parts of this blog i want to expand on. i'd like to have an art section, photography section, a video section (i'll share more about my ideas for this later), random memories section, and of course just the daily blog type of sharing. i think it could be fun! oh yeah and a travel section!

there's a bit of my plans for this blog. any suggestions on tutorials for web design type of stuff would be appreciated! and moving on...

i'm feeling sick. there's been this head cold, stopped up nose, drainage down the back of my throat, overall nastiness feeling going on for a little over a week. i thought it was getting better with my vitamin C defense, but it's making an appearance again. so my brain is getting fuzzy now...that would be the point of me sharing this. i was going to write more, but the snot and mucus seem to be distracting my cells and brain waves. yay. bye for now!

2010

2010 = catching people up who read this blog, redesigning this blog to summarize new life, and blogging more.

2010 also = getting healthy, being a better friend, daughter, grand daughter, sister, niece, cousin, and aunt, releasing everything inside me that has been dormant, and taking control of my life.

2010 started very badly. i thought someone i love was dead. he's not. he's okay. but oh my gosh the despair was....beyond words. make sure all those who are loved know that they are loved. give big hugs and loud smacking kisses!

i'll be back with much much more to say!

What to do?

i just turned 27 on the 9th and i actually feel older this year. i'm not afraid of aging and when some of my friends are saying, "No More Birthdays!" i'm saying bring 'em on! however, i am afraid of running out of time...and time does indeed move incredibly fast in my world! lately i have come in contact with some old friends that i haven't really talked with much in the last several years. it's so crazy how much their lives have changed! seriously crazy! they are able to summarize their lives with momentous events and my summary of the last 5 or 6 years is usually, "just working. live with my boyfriend. have a photography degree but not doing anything with it. trying to save money...just living each day." make sure you read that with a trace of failure and embarrassing pauses between statements! ah i know i sound like a whiny baby! i am actually proud of my life and my accomplishments. i do feel incredibly blessed! so please don't think of me as one of those people who complain all the time but do nothing to fix whatever it is worth complaining about! i'm really not that person...or i wasn't at least...maybe i am that person sometimes but i try really hard not to be! anyway! that's just a little blip of my feelings on being another year older. i'm writing to share a bit of a predicament i guess. being another year older has made me excited to make some serious changes this next year!

one of these changes was to move in with my grandma in order to help her and the family out and for me to save some money to acquire what i need for my photography business and to do some traveling that everyone knows i'm so desperate for! however! when i shared this with tommy, who i currently live with remember, he was not so thrilled. i knew he would be upset but i also assumed that it would be something for us to work through...assuming is never a good idea apparently. he feels like i'm just trying to break up with him; that i've left him to figure out what he is going to do on his own; that it's all about money and since he lost his job recently i'm just abandoning him because of money; that his family and friends think i should have asked if he wanted to live with my grandma too...just a bunch of negative stuff!

1) i told him i wasn't breaking up with him...that things haven't really been great with us anyway and maybe us living together isn't really the right place to be at this time in our relationship. maybe a little more space would be beneficial to the relationship.

2) i thought he would either decide to live with his friend john or take the opportunity to save some money as well by living with his parents. he doesn't like either option. i understand living with parents at a certain age can be challenging, but i also believe it's a nice option to have people that will love you and help you at any age in life. i have felt like for a long time that tommy's friendship with john means more to him than his relationship with me. tommy shakes his head every time but if it's something i have addressed countless times, there has to be something to it right? as much bromance as i feel exists in their friendship, tommy does not want john for a roommate. so i apologized to tommy for assuming he would be willing to take one of these options.

3) it is about money!!! but it's not because he lost his job. i need money...for me...just me! a nice lens is at least $350...that's the cheapest you can go! traveling costs money...you have to pay to get where your going and you have to pay to stay where you're visiting. so yes...money is necessary! tommy's hobbies and interest are free. he can play video games and computer games without having to save hundreds of dollars. my career, which is also my passion, takes money. my desire to travel takes money. i can't ask him to save his money for me to do something i enjoy...he hasn't before so why should he now? i'd prefer to take control of that situation on my own.

4) i do not believe in boyfriends and girlfriends living with each other in one or the other's families' homes. i think it's okay for married couples to be in these situations because shit happens and sometimes family is all that can save you. boyfriends and girlfriends need to figure something else out...that's just one of those things i believe in.

tommy says that he and i are family and that at this point in our relationship we cannot abandon each other. we are supposed to be there for each other and work through hard times together. this is so hard right now because i have been telling him over and over and OVER that our relationship has been broken and needs serious attention. he has not been giving it that attention. so at this point i want to do things for myself. i want to make decisions that make me happy. but i love him and i feel terrible for making this decision to live with my grandma. he won't accept it at all. so i said, "fine." we'll continue leaving in these crappy apartments because we can't afford deposits to move. i'll figure something out in order for me to have extra money to get what i need. i will make sacrifices in my life so i don't hurt tommy. i'll visit my grandma more than once or twice a week so that i'm helping more in some tangible way. what else can i do?

so this next year of my life and my first decision on how to make positive changes is not working out so well. i want to save money but rent, debt, and bills make that a challenge. i want to move forward but being in a relationship with someone who doesn't think about the future makes the motion a little restricted. i want to be happy...but i don't want to make others unhappy. i don't know what to do.

for the record as depressing as this entry may have been, i'm not wallowing around in my misery! the sun is out and the sky is blue so it's time for me to face the day!