Life since 09/07/2010...the first 2 or 3 weeks

monday, september 6th, 2010 at approximately 8:45ish pm i drove away, almost blinded by tears, and a deep heavy lump of loneliness in my gut, from the love of my life. knowing it would be 2 or 3 weeks before i would get a letter...or even hear his voice...it was almost unbearable. but i told myself on the drive home that it would be good...good for him...good for me...good for us! i told myself i would have so much time for myself...time to explore and reclaim my individuality and independence. when tommy was done with boot camp, i would be well on my way with my art and photography. it was a good little pep talk...very encouraging! i was going to be fine! but i woke up the next morning filled to the brim with tears again...i couldn't even make it through a full shift at work! i became a slug from september 7th on. weighed down by loneliness and a hollow incomplete feeling of myself. i looked at this picture of us over and over...the last one before we parted ways.



what was wrong with me? "i am a strong independent woman of substance!" i should be whole without him! to be honest...it was somewhat embarrassing for me. i wasn't the kind of woman to be so lost without my man. the feelings and emotions i went through were all so revealing! it was scary to confront them...but illuminating to understand them. his absence made me sad and lonely. i came to understand that i DID indeed need him in my life...he IS a part of my whole...and accepting this didn't mean losing my independence or my individuality...accepting this became a part of my independence and my individuality. it felt like coming out of the dark...made me wonder, " how long was i there?"

after the realization - next post!

The Lake

my nephew, jackson, loves the lake. he gets that from me i suppose:) i grew up just down the road from this lake. people call it dirty bird and it really kind of pisses me off. it's not anything at all like tenkiller or eufala but it's a lake. it's a place to just chill. i have so many happy memories here. memories of a simple life with good friends and good times. i miss those days. i miss being young with the whole world in front of me for the taking. the world is still there to be had but it's more difficult to take it now with having to make a living and earn money to pay for bills, debt, and basic survival. sigh.

i have to get ready for work now. i'll be depressed for the next several hours and hope with all my heart that people will text me. or i'll get on my phone periodically to see if i have any notifications on facebook. oh how i love notifications.

while i'm working in a concrete place of misery and depression i will think about the sound of boats on the water. i will think about the wind and the sun. i will think about floating weightlessly in the water with the sound of my heartbeat and breath for company.

Technology Team Lead

for the last 3 years i've been the photo lab team lead at sam's club. my education, professional certification, and passion is photography. portrait studios just weren't my cup of tea with the over booking and standard poses and sick kids coughing in my face...just couldn't deal with all that! i wanted to work in a professional lab but really didn't know of any in oklahoma, so i ended up at sam's club. this really could be a great place to work if i could just do what i do in the lab...but... unfortunately this has never been the case. at the end of the day i'm expected to fold clothes, put merchandise away, and pull boxes. not to sound like a snob but i didn't spend thousands of dollars on an education to do mindless work such as that! sam's club has also caused me severe stress, major depression, and stomach aches. two days before i started there as the team lead i was told that my pay wasn't going to be quite what they had estimated for me...this was a little rough being as how it was a major cut already from my last employer...but i was reminded of the raise i'd get at 90 days and of course the annual raise... so whatever...i dealt with it. however, 7 months later the company realized there was a problem with the computer system and associates wages weren't calculated right. how this club was open for 2 years at this time and how it wasn't until 7 months after i was hired this problem went unnoticed is confusing to me! regardless, my pay was cut 40 cents. oh yes...and this was right during the holiday season... stress central! in addition to the pay cut i also had to deal with associates being taken out of my department, hours being cut, and staff not being adequate for the busiest time of year. all very frustrating! but the straw that broke the camel's back...

photo team lead no longer exists. it's now technology team lead. technology team lead will continue to supervise the photo lab but will also supervise electronics and the cell phone center. instead of being over 3 people, i would be over somewhere between 10 and 15 or so. i will have to contribute my time and labor to all three departments. everyone at work has been congratulating me...well...until they hear the rest of it. congratulations usually comes with promotions. promotions usually occur when responsibility and expectations are increased. well... supervising 3 departments is definitely more responsibility and the company definitely has some new expectations for this new position. but...promotions usually mean a raise. this is not a promotion. this is bull shit. i'm expected to do much more work and deal with much more stress without any kind of benefit...meaning...no raise!!!

i just cannot imagine it. the thought of the holiday season alone makes me want to throw up. people are evil during the holidays. dealing with people shopping in 3 areas i supervise would cause major ulcers. so no...i cannot do this. it does not benefit me in any way, shape, or form!

so i've posted my resume for a government job and through express personnel. i have approximately 4 weeks to find a new job. i'm so glad the economy and job market is so good right now! oh wait. shit.

Mainstream...Not so much!

parents raise their children with the idea that they can be anything they want to be when they grow up. you can do anything you set your mind to! "climb high, climb far. your goal the sky, your aim the stars!" blah blah blah blah blah. but then parents usually get discouraged when their child is attracted to the same sex or wants their nose pierced or falls in love with tattoos. parents get discouraged when their child changes his or her major or drops out of college all together; when their child falls in love with someone they don't approve of; when their child quits his or her dependable job and sets out to pursue a passion. yes some of these decisions could be mistakes and the parents could have the lovely satisfaction of saying, "i told you so," but what if they aren't mistakes? what's worse? preventing your child from making their own decisions based on the fear that they could be making a mistake or letting your child make that decision and it potentially be the wrong one? as we grow up, our parents hope for us to be happy...but then they have their own idea of what "happy" is. if we are raised to believe we can be anybody and do anything we set our minds to, then we should be able to explore those choices we have to gain what we need, desire, or want to be anybody and do anything.

it's 2010. movies from the 80's depicted us getting around in hover crafts by now. right? :) and yet the mainstream ideas are still black and white and straight and narrow. be happy and successful but do it without marking your body, coloring your hair, loving the same sex, being spontaneous, pursuing far fetched dreams, and stepping too far outside the box. follow the guidelines so as not to offend anyone with your individuality! follow the cookie cutter pattern. conform!!! ugh. BORING!

yes i'm on my soapbox but it's been a long time coming:) i was a shy child, but i grew out of it...haha...obviously! i realized my social awkwardness came from the fact that i didn't want to do what everyone else was doing. i love sharing this story...it makes me proud:) i remember my last day of kindergarten. on a normal day we would have a period of time to select a colored shape piece of construction paper from our envelope that represented a particular station in the classroom to play in. each day you had to pick a different shape until you cycled back around. on the last day of class, we were allowed to pick whatever we wanted! i am not exaggerating in the slightest bit. all the boys wanted to play with the blocks and all the girls wanted to play house with the dolls and kitchen set...well...except for me. i wanted to paint. i was so happy to be the only one in the art corner! i tied my apron on and set my paper up on the easel and set out my paints...but before i could dip in to the first color, my teacher asked me why i didn't want to play with the other girls? i replied that i wanted to paint and didn't want to play house. she probably thought i was being the outcast so she encouraged the other girls to beckon me over. so they were all cheering, "amy, come play with us! we want you to play with us!" but damn it i really wanted to paint! however, since i felt like by arguing i was only causing unnecessary drama, i went ahead and joined the other girls. i'm sure my little 6 year old brain wasn't quite processing the situation as i have reflected but i do know that i wanted to do something different from everyone else but was peer pressured into something else. i'm proud of this story because i was comfortable and confident enough at the age to go for what i wanted...even if i didn't follow through...at least i took that step.

throughout my life i have made decisions that have caused stress and upset for those who love me. some of those choices were mistakes and i recognized those and apologized for them. i think that finally at almost 28 years old, people are understanding that i'm going to do whatever i want whether they like it or not and yes it might be wrong but i'll keep trying until i get it right! i might have to explain my decisions and actions to give some peace of mind, but at least no one is tyring to discourage me...too much anyway! so i've delved in to this topic because of one seemingly little incident at work. i violated the dress code!





i added a rainbow to my hair!!! so shocking!!! the dress code for Sam's Club is quite long and specific to certain departments, but the overall guideline for hair is that it must be "conservative in cut and color." my options were to leave work and not come back until it was fixed or wear a hat until it was fixed. i asked if i could keep the color and invest in some hats to wear to work everyday but was told that i wasn't allowed to wear hats all the time...apparently managers can wear baseball caps on occasion but a trendy fedora or something similar would not be allowed. hmmm. to be fair, i must point out that the managers did indeed love my hair but had no control over the dress code and therefore had no choice but to enforce it. however, i am one of the best dressed and most well spoken associates there, and if i were in the position of deciding whether or not the hair should be changed, i would say keep it until someone from corporate says something...and once someone from corporate says something, well, then i'd fight it:) i got to keep the hair for a little more than 2 weeks and then it was changed but my oh so talented hair stylist (Brett Fieldcamp). so many people encouraged me to fight this policy and normally it's something i would do...but it's time for me to move on from Sam's Club...and that will be my next post!

until then! parents who read this...please remember that your children might make wrong decisions, but as long as they are not hurting themselves or others or putting their lives or health in jeopardy, let them be individuals! anyone who reads this...please remember that just because the girl checking out your groceries might have multi colored hair, tattoos, and piercings, doesn't mean she's a shady character. embrace individuality and see it for it's unique beauty!

New Followers!!!

oh my goodnes i have 2 new followers! yay! people are actually interested in me!!! now please... shower me with praise and admiration...just kidding...no i'm not...yes i am!!! :)

well!!! i have so much to share...but not enough time!!! so this post was really quite pointless. i do apologize. i just wanted to say hello to my new followers!

HELLOOOOO!

now i will show you my awesome new hair cut.



i may have forgotten to resize these so if you click on them my face might be giant and scary on your screen. sorry 'bout that!

i will write about more important topics later. right now i need to go shave my legs. make tommy a sandwich. go watch soccer.

The name of the game is change!

i have different blogs in mind for the next few days...or weeks. after my last one i was going to post one titled "thaw" since it's now summer. the snow has been long gone and the leaves have been here for a while. oh well! better late than never i suppose. so the name of the game is change...and not just the seasons! it's truly amazing how after 27 and a half years of one dream and one goal after another, my visions can keep changing! i guess there's nothing wrong with that! after tommy and i broke up, i was set on a plan...self discovery (again) and self indulgence. i discovered my depression had gotten out of control and took the steps to take control...praise for pristiq! i indulged in lots of time with tommy...i embraced the fact that he indeed became my very best friend during the course of our relationship. i fought the path that we were following again...that is being a couple...but if felt good and changes were happening...so this happened...



smiles and kisses...lots. how can you resist love? i'm sure there are ways...but it's hard to resist your best friend and someone you know and who knows you so well. someone who calms you with a touch. someone who brings you flowers just because. someone who makes you happy and someone you want to make happy in return. i believe our love is just too strong to move past. i believe the steps tommy is taking for himself will strengthen our relationship. i'm proud of these steps...



he has sworn into the navy and leaves for boot camp on september 7th. (p.s. i feel bad for the swear in captain's mid expression face but i was a little too intimidated to ask to take another picture!) only 250,000 applicants into the military are accepted out of 600,000 a year. i learned that this day! it was a long process for tommy, but he stayed optimistic and focused. so this summer i will be spending as much time as possible with him. i don't want to even think about what i'm going to do and how i'm going to feel while he's away. but he'll be strong and i'll be strong and i'll have this to kind of help me...





tattoos may seem silly to some people but they are treasures for me. this is based off the warrior symbol for breast cancer awareness. my grandma has been in remission for 2 years from breast cancer. she doesn't have to do chemo while she's in remission but she does a "maintenance" treatment every 3 weeks. this tattoo is for her and also a representation of all the "battles" the people i love face...and all the battles i face. tattoos give me strength. this is my most meaningful one yet. i know i will look to it often for strength...especially while tommy is away! :)

i do plan on more posts than i have been doing...i'll still do the "thaw" one as well! i still have plans in mind for this blog and hope that i am able to share those with you soon. until then...i hope everyone is enjoying their summers and staying cool! wear sunscreen people!!!

Captured by Winter

yesterday i woke up, showered, put makeup on, fixed hair, dressed for work, and was ready to head out the door when i decided to call and see if i even needed to come in...turns out i didn't really. it's a good thing too because it snowed the entire day, and had i gone to work, i might have had some trouble getting home! i was grateful for the snow day! it was especially nice spending the day with my grandma. we drank our coffee and watched the snow fall while we talked about how the earth has shifted and moved over the last thousands of years...it was an interesting conversation i tell ya! :) the day before i bought her the susan boyle cd (the lady who shocked audiences in britain's got talent with her performance of i dreamed a dream). we listened to that and got teary eyed with her rendition of how great thou art...she sang beautifully and it just filled me up with so much passion and emotion. i'll have to share more about my passion for music in another post...it's kind of a big deal! then i bundled up and wrapped my camera up to venture outside for some photography! * click on the images to see them larger...it's better! *



i'm being cheesey with my wrapping techniques...the one below would have worked better but i was finished shooting by the time i decided on this wrapping. oh well! my hair and makeup that were all fixed up for work were quickly destroyed by winter's forces...i basically melted. it was all in the name of photography though so no biggie! here are some favorites! * click to enlarge *







this one was my very favorite i think!





playing with daisies in the snow!







so after getting soaking wet and completely numb, i came inside. grandma made grilled cheese sandwiches for us...it was lovely...the pickles and olives were my favorite parts though! yummy!



later that evening i made oatmeal cookies and chai tea...it really was a lovely wintery day! today we just couldn't imagine staying in the entire day so we ventured out in to the winter wonderland for some burgers at goldies. yummy again! the roads really aren't too terrible unless you're an idiot driver...most people are unfortunately:( i've got the bed of my truck weighed down with about 550 pounds of sand, salt, and pallets...that's helpful!

well i just wanted to share my winter adventures! later i am going to write more about the power of music in my life...that's something that has been on my mind for some time. tonight we are celebrating my brother's upcoming 25th birthday...that is if people don't wimp out because of the weather. i totally rock on the roads no matter what!

Going Away

amy has been one of my best friends for 14 years...since she moved here second semester of 7th grade. we met in choir. she moved here from california, and in my 13 year old eyes she was the very image of a california girl! oklahoma grew on her, and we became like sisters and over the years we faced challenges and difficulties. we've had a million laughs and a few tears...there have been good times and bad times. she and her husband are moving back to california where they will have new jobs, new experiences, and someday some babies! last night was their going away party, and it was so odd! i felt so possessive of her...i wanted to grab her and announce that she was my friend first! i've known her the longest and we've been through the most! so back off people...this is MY sisterfriend! but that wouldn't have been very nice and it's important to share friends:) i plan on visiting them in california as often as i can anyway. so i grabbed our friends bryan and michelle...friends who have practically been there since the beginning as well...and we got some pictures of the original crew. i just wanted to share:)

amy, me, bryan, and michelle

just us girls

and finally just us: amy and amy; amy #1 and amy #2; big amy and little amy; double A's; amy squared; amy times two...the amys.

My Little Space

i mostly don't have any problems living with my grandma. the only challenge is going from having my own kitchen, dining room, living room, bathroom, office, and bedroom...to simply having my own room. my style is very eclectic so spreading it out through a whole apartment isn't so overwhelming. trying to cram as much of it as i can into a little bedroom probably doesn't look so...umm...attractive? but i still like it...it's me...everything is of value to me so i simply cannot part with anything! (click on photos to see bigger)

here you can see my love of scarves and such. the light blue one is from amy...she brought it back from her trip to italy. the yellow one with pink and orange showing is from michelle...she brought it back from a recent cruise. there's also my guitar which i got for my 13th birthday but have never practiced long enough to be really good at it. on the very edge is my easel...currently holding my photography books.




these books are wonderful! there's even a little ireland book hanging out with them...all very inspiring! close up on the mesh of scarves (yes i know they clash) also gives a glimpse of the small pink one...from the breast cancer awareness walk three years ago, and the green one from my trip to boston back in 2003. see? sentimental.



here's a little glimpse at my desk. goofy pic of my sister and me from years ago...we are very weird when you put us together for too long...seriously don't know any sisters like us! you can also see a giant conch shell my friend chris gave me years ago...he said it was very special to him so i've always felt special that he gave it to me. there's also a little sea turtle paper weight michelle got me on another one of her trips. hopefully, you can also see the little frame holding a photo of bryan, amy, and me in a three person tower in the swimming pool. i was tiny back then and could thus be at the very top...good times :) i just thought i'd throw in another pic of my necklaces and bracelets...just 'cause they're lovely!

my room is my little retreat...my only little bubble of independence besides my truck. maybe i'll get bean bags for when girlfriends come over...then we can pretend to be 10 or more years younger...except with wine :)

i'll end with a photo. it's a glossy 4x6 taped to my computer. it's my mama...she's twenty in this photo and i'm probably around 8 months or so. the picture is probably my favorite part of my little room.

Updates

tommy doesn't like the idea of me putting so much personal information involving him in my blog so i'll avoid major details. to summarize: we moved out from the apartment we were sharing and are trying to be friends. the transition was literally the hardest thing i've had to do in my life thus far. the tears and heartache were shattering. the best decisions shouldn't be so hard, but unfortunately often times they are. sucks. i felt like i was a black hole...emotions whirled around and settled down inside me and were then cast out in to an abyss. probably the worst depression i have ever felt! but i got a really cool picture out of it. i used oil pastels on regular sketch paper. this is me in my puffy faced endless tears distress while composing this expression of feeling like a black hole:




so my hands get dirty any time i do any kind of art project. it never fails! but i like it. makes me feel closer to what i've put all my energy and thoughts in to. i probably looked worse at various times throughout this process, but snot and scary black rivers on my face probably would have been an over share! here's the best pic i could get of the final product. also, took a pic of the crappy poem i wrote that somewhat inspired it.



i've gotten through the worst of it i think. i still get teary eyed looking through photos or ticket stubs and souvenirs...but it doesn't hurt so much. i also think that tommy and i are going to be able to stay friends...i really hope so anyway!

moved in with my grandma, and no i am not ashamed of being a 27 year old woman living with my grandma. in fact, this time i have with her will be something i'll cherish for the rest of my life. we are so much alike! stubborn and strong willed! we won't ask for help unless it's a last resort. we'll drive ourselves to the hospital even if we feel like we're dying (true story). we'll order pick up at our favorite mexican restaurant so we don't have to pay the extra price to split a plate dining in.



she's kind of a big deal! and she's an artist too! i'll have to take some photos of her paintings and share. i'll also be sharing more of my art as well. i totally fail at computer business and proper terminology but i plan on figuring out a way to create a navigational bar of some sort with links to the various parts of this blog i want to expand on. i'd like to have an art section, photography section, a video section (i'll share more about my ideas for this later), random memories section, and of course just the daily blog type of sharing. i think it could be fun! oh yeah and a travel section!

there's a bit of my plans for this blog. any suggestions on tutorials for web design type of stuff would be appreciated! and moving on...

i'm feeling sick. there's been this head cold, stopped up nose, drainage down the back of my throat, overall nastiness feeling going on for a little over a week. i thought it was getting better with my vitamin C defense, but it's making an appearance again. so my brain is getting fuzzy now...that would be the point of me sharing this. i was going to write more, but the snot and mucus seem to be distracting my cells and brain waves. yay. bye for now!

2010

2010 = catching people up who read this blog, redesigning this blog to summarize new life, and blogging more.

2010 also = getting healthy, being a better friend, daughter, grand daughter, sister, niece, cousin, and aunt, releasing everything inside me that has been dormant, and taking control of my life.

2010 started very badly. i thought someone i love was dead. he's not. he's okay. but oh my gosh the despair was....beyond words. make sure all those who are loved know that they are loved. give big hugs and loud smacking kisses!

i'll be back with much much more to say!