What to do?

i just turned 27 on the 9th and i actually feel older this year. i'm not afraid of aging and when some of my friends are saying, "No More Birthdays!" i'm saying bring 'em on! however, i am afraid of running out of time...and time does indeed move incredibly fast in my world! lately i have come in contact with some old friends that i haven't really talked with much in the last several years. it's so crazy how much their lives have changed! seriously crazy! they are able to summarize their lives with momentous events and my summary of the last 5 or 6 years is usually, "just working. live with my boyfriend. have a photography degree but not doing anything with it. trying to save money...just living each day." make sure you read that with a trace of failure and embarrassing pauses between statements! ah i know i sound like a whiny baby! i am actually proud of my life and my accomplishments. i do feel incredibly blessed! so please don't think of me as one of those people who complain all the time but do nothing to fix whatever it is worth complaining about! i'm really not that person...or i wasn't at least...maybe i am that person sometimes but i try really hard not to be! anyway! that's just a little blip of my feelings on being another year older. i'm writing to share a bit of a predicament i guess. being another year older has made me excited to make some serious changes this next year!

one of these changes was to move in with my grandma in order to help her and the family out and for me to save some money to acquire what i need for my photography business and to do some traveling that everyone knows i'm so desperate for! however! when i shared this with tommy, who i currently live with remember, he was not so thrilled. i knew he would be upset but i also assumed that it would be something for us to work through...assuming is never a good idea apparently. he feels like i'm just trying to break up with him; that i've left him to figure out what he is going to do on his own; that it's all about money and since he lost his job recently i'm just abandoning him because of money; that his family and friends think i should have asked if he wanted to live with my grandma too...just a bunch of negative stuff!

1) i told him i wasn't breaking up with him...that things haven't really been great with us anyway and maybe us living together isn't really the right place to be at this time in our relationship. maybe a little more space would be beneficial to the relationship.

2) i thought he would either decide to live with his friend john or take the opportunity to save some money as well by living with his parents. he doesn't like either option. i understand living with parents at a certain age can be challenging, but i also believe it's a nice option to have people that will love you and help you at any age in life. i have felt like for a long time that tommy's friendship with john means more to him than his relationship with me. tommy shakes his head every time but if it's something i have addressed countless times, there has to be something to it right? as much bromance as i feel exists in their friendship, tommy does not want john for a roommate. so i apologized to tommy for assuming he would be willing to take one of these options.

3) it is about money!!! but it's not because he lost his job. i need money...for me...just me! a nice lens is at least $350...that's the cheapest you can go! traveling costs money...you have to pay to get where your going and you have to pay to stay where you're visiting. so yes...money is necessary! tommy's hobbies and interest are free. he can play video games and computer games without having to save hundreds of dollars. my career, which is also my passion, takes money. my desire to travel takes money. i can't ask him to save his money for me to do something i enjoy...he hasn't before so why should he now? i'd prefer to take control of that situation on my own.

4) i do not believe in boyfriends and girlfriends living with each other in one or the other's families' homes. i think it's okay for married couples to be in these situations because shit happens and sometimes family is all that can save you. boyfriends and girlfriends need to figure something else out...that's just one of those things i believe in.

tommy says that he and i are family and that at this point in our relationship we cannot abandon each other. we are supposed to be there for each other and work through hard times together. this is so hard right now because i have been telling him over and over and OVER that our relationship has been broken and needs serious attention. he has not been giving it that attention. so at this point i want to do things for myself. i want to make decisions that make me happy. but i love him and i feel terrible for making this decision to live with my grandma. he won't accept it at all. so i said, "fine." we'll continue leaving in these crappy apartments because we can't afford deposits to move. i'll figure something out in order for me to have extra money to get what i need. i will make sacrifices in my life so i don't hurt tommy. i'll visit my grandma more than once or twice a week so that i'm helping more in some tangible way. what else can i do?

so this next year of my life and my first decision on how to make positive changes is not working out so well. i want to save money but rent, debt, and bills make that a challenge. i want to move forward but being in a relationship with someone who doesn't think about the future makes the motion a little restricted. i want to be happy...but i don't want to make others unhappy. i don't know what to do.

for the record as depressing as this entry may have been, i'm not wallowing around in my misery! the sun is out and the sky is blue so it's time for me to face the day!

Reality

My friend Amy and I once talked about "magazine picture lives." How you can see someone's pictures, or walk through someone's house, or read someone's story and wonder how their lives can sound so perfect. So glossy and pristine like the photos from a magazine. Everything is in it's place. Everyone is wearing the perfect clothes...they have the perfect skin and hair...they go on the best trips...they know exactly what to say and how to say it at the perfect time. You have some sort of vision of this person and you think, "damn...why can't my life be like that?" But Amy and I realize that no one can ever know what's behind the scenes of the magazine people's lives. Amy, for example, wouldn't describe her life as magazine material, but my perception of it is just that. When I told her this, she said thank you and I said it was true! There's nothing wrong with a magazine photo life...as long as it isn't a lie! Lies aren't the topic here though. Reality is the topic. Photos of my office, my kitchen, my bedroom, my truck...they would show you clutter, dirty dishes, messy floors, and an over all lack of beauty. They could make the magazines covering the more raw and photo journalistic aspects of life...but the pretty stuff?...no absolutely not. Here's a dose of it in all it's glory!





I share this because...I don't know. I'm angry right now. I'm angry that someone is accusing me of judging. That someone has taken advantage of me for years; and as much as I've helped this person, they still find a reason to insult me. Look at my life. There is an ugly side as much as there is a beautiful side. I know I'm not perfect. I know that some photos from my life could be magazine worthy and some photos are trash. I am not pretending to be anything that I am not. I know I could be a better person. I know that my life could be better than it is. I know that I'm in the dark right now. But there are other things I know. I know that my friends have a true and clear picture of me...I don't lie to them. I don't make up stories to explain things to them. I tell them the truth and they still love me. I know that even though my boyfriend isn't always the greatest, he really loves me. He doesn't put me down, and even when I'm at my worst and ugliest, he would do anything for me. I know that I've done right by my family, and even when I have made mistakes or let them down, I've been there any time I was able and have helped them more than most can say. I know that even when I fail myself, it's not the end of the story...I get more tries, more chances, and more opportunities. I can have more magazine photos than photos that end up in the trash...I can. And they won't be lies or stages...they will be truth. A truth in reality that I earned and worked very hard for. I won't be bullied anymore.

Toxic

There is a toxic nest of addictions, lies, and manipulation close by. This place was a nest of love, dreams, and communication not too long ago...I'd say a little over three years ago. But then events happened that caused a steady decay. Lives have crumbled under the weights of illness, pain, and stress. People I love very much have lashed out at my concern...they have reacted so defensively and angrily that my first thought is guilt and denial. My genuine worry is actively rejected and instead turned around as an accusation for my own gain. What do I gain from being upset by some one's life style?

Back in 2005 I was heading down a road of alcoholism. It took several months and several people expressing concern for me before I saw it myself. Shortly after St. Patrick's Day of 2005, my mom asked, "Amy do you think you are dependent on alcohol?" I immediately burst in to tears and confessed yes. Mom was very adamant about me finding an alcoholics anonymous group, and I was very adamant about not attending such a group but instead attending Recovery in Christ at my congregation. But I never did. For me...the realization of my problem was my recovery. I made the conscious decision to not let a substance govern my life. To prove me point I didn't drink a drop for 3 months. And! I continued to spend time with my friends at bars and clubs during this time...still not even a drop. Near the end of my 3 months I was celebrating a friend's birthday with other friends. They were all taking shots and drinking and having a great time. I was having a great time too...but by this time I realized that alcohol was not the key to gaining happiness and thought maybe it would be okay for me to take a shot or at least a sip of something. I knew it wasn't time yet. I developed my own form of recovery and it was working for me. 3 months and I knew I would have control. I believe that addictions should be treated differently for different people depending on the individual them self. I'm the type of person who makes a conscious decision on how to change my life for the better and I do it. Alcohol will never take over my life. That is my vow to myself.

I share this because I'm often accused of being judgmental by those I express concern for. How am I being judgmental when I say, "I'm afraid you have an addiction." When these words were spoken to me, my first thought wasn't judging...my first thought was worry. Why should I judge when I could have easily been judged in my time of need too? This whole blog is written because of a confrontation last night. I didn't even want to say anything to this person...my thoughts about addiction had been on my mind for a while but I knew that they would not be well received. I expressed them in an environment that was not at all conducive to the impending discussion but I was so overwhelmed with concern that they came out prematurely. For that I can apologize, but I will not apologize for my concern. Some people you can talk to and some people you can't. My only hope is that my concern is wrong and that there is no addiction to worry about. If my concern is right on the mark, then I hope someone can find a way to get through this person's defense and denial.

This nest is heartbreaking. I love the people who live in this nest. But I feel like I'm watching them destroy themselves. I'm watching the nest deteriorate under the pills, alcohol, lies, and abuse. I can't help them. I can't fix anything. All I can do is watch and love them until the end.

Overwhelming Passion

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations in Sardinia...tonight's episode. Gah! He makes you so crazy with desire for the places he goes and the foods he eats...the culture he experiences and the people he meets! (Did not mean to rhyme! Ha!) I'm not even going to try and describe Sardinia...well maybe just a little I suppose. Absolutely picturesque of course with the blue skies, rolling green hills, shepherds and their goats, hunks of meat skewered by the fire, and bread (ah sorry can't remember the name of it) topped with fresh goat cheese and local honey. Oh yeah...and wine wine wine...and wine! The buildings in town painted with murals of political scenes could be the photos from a pop up book...vivid and full of life. Sardinia is where Anthony's wife's family lives...or close by anyway...so it was like being a part of a family dinner with each meal. The meals included things I'd never imagine myself eating: snails, eels, blood and bread cooked in a pig's stomach, and a whole baby pig with his innards separated and cooked wrapped in his stomach lining...yum! :) But seriously! I am so open for any new experience including food that I would try anything from anywhere. Hmm...I don't think I'd ever eat dog or cat though...way too domestic and sad! Anyway! Anthony always seems to get totally swept up in his show and it's like his passion is endless. This is really what inspired me to write. I love this show...but I love a lot of things...and really it all comes out of my passion. My passion overwhelms me! I've shared this statement before I'm sure, but I think I'm finally reaching that breaking point where I might just explode if my wanderlust and obsession with the world in all of it's entirety are not fulfilled...like asap I'm talkin'!

Seriously! I need to get out of Oklahoma...or at least start by making it to some places I haven't even seen in my own state! But eventually...soon preferably...I need to take on the world! That was always my dream. I use to write in my journals that I had two dreams: To travel the world and to be kissed. Well there certainly has been enough kissing but not enough traveling! If I could go back to my first kiss at 17 (yes I was that old!), and someone came up to me right there in the lake, while my legs and arms were wrapped around the cute boy and our mouths just breaths away, and said, "Wait...how about going to Ireland instead of kissing this boy?" Well...no doubt about it...Ireland would win that toss up! Or so I say now anyway.

I'm desperate for something different and I feel so alone in this obsession! Most of my girlfriends talk about biological time clocks, marriage, and houses and are happy with their lives and the plans they have with their significant others. Of course they have all done way more travelling than I have and were fortunate enough to grow up in families that could take them on trips every summer or winter...or both! My family gave me more opportunities than any of them ever had and I will forever be grateful for that! But now it's all up to me! Nobody is buying me a ticket on a plane or a boat...nobody is going to take me anywhere. I have to take myself...and that's a hard task when you're so far in debt from only two years of college and a few doctors visits. It's also more difficult that Tommy really has no desire to travel whatsoever! So that's why I'm so aggressive about this...that is why I'm so passionate about all of this. I'm only one woman with the passion equal to that of 100 or more and what I want is all up to me alone! I want something different!!!

No biological time clock exists in me! Marriage is no where in the crystal ball. A house...well I wouldn't mind one of those. But what I want the very most...more than anything...almost anything anyway...is to travel! To taste, listen, smell, and experience the world in every way possible. To capture it all with my camera. To share stories with my family, friends, kids of family and friends. To go wherever I want...live wherever I want for however long...eat and dance and love and cherish the beauty of our earth and the different cultures all over it.

I want it..so I'll have it...eventually.

MTV Music Awards

I was very disappointed with the MTV music awards this year. This is not a show I watch every year and usually only catch pieces of it replayed on talk shows. I for some reason ended up watching the entire thing...ugh. Seriously! What a waste of time! But I guess it was like watching a disaster being covered on the news...one of those things were you just feel terrible and wish you could help in some way and are completely depressed by what you're watching but you keep the TV on anyway! It was like that!

Lady GaGa (I don't even know if that's how her name is spelled) was a psycho with her crazy paparazzi song and then hiking her leg up all trashy on the piano while she played and then bleeding all down her front and wiping it on her face and hanging like some dead zombie with this glassed over eyes thing goin' on. After her performance she changed into a red lacy outfit that covered her face...it was topped with a red hat that was cylindrical with spikes at the top. Then she wore a white fuzzy thing around her head and it looked like she also had a collar with a leash attached...like she was a lion or something. Can she not just sing? Is her voice not enough? I don't think people like her should be referred to as singers...they should be known as performers. Singers with real talent can be show stoppers with just their voices...they don't need stripper dance moves, crazy outfits, and gimmicks.

I love Pink...I think she's wonderful! She did like a trapeze type of performance while singing her song. It was pretty awesome to watch and she sang pretty well considering she was swinging back and forth and upside down and sideways and every kind of way while she sang. BUT! She didn't sound as awesome as she usually does...her voice is amazing but this performance was not a show case of that voice...so ultimately it was a let down. Just sing!!!

The host was trying to be funny but I don't think anyone laughed even once! The band that played in between sets and commercials was so terrible and got no reaction from the audience. Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech to basically say that Beyonce deserved the award and was thus booed anytime his name was spoken.

There were some good parts. Taylor Swift didn't sound as awful as she usually does when singing live. Green Day of course kicked some ass and actually won an award. Muse was really great and showed real singing talent! Alicia Keys played the piano and sang and is truly a gift from God! Michael Jackson was honored with a really awesome video montage combined with dancers performing the same moves as on the video...Janet Jackson joined and rocked it out. There were moments of genuine talent...but they were few.

Hmm...I was going to write more but my boyfriend turned the speakers up for his World of Warcraft game. When I asked him to please turn the volume down he said, "I guess," and shook his head back and for and slammed his drinking glass down. So that pissed me off and I lost my train of thought. Well until next time I guess!

With the Windows Down

I just wanted to share a little moment of my day. I went to my parents house, where my sister is currently living, to visit with her for a little while. We talked a bit about views on marriage, babies, and careers; flipped through her Vogue and made comments on fashion we loved and comments on creepy wolf heads and freaky cats; semi watched Sex and the City and paid more attention to Samantha's sexy naked next door neighbor, Dante; and then I headed home a little after 7 with about 50 pounds of photo albums and mail left at my parents.

On the drive home the sun was just setting to where my visor barely kept it's brilliant light out of my eyes. Thankfully I had a pair of one dollar Dollar Tree sunglasses on hand! I drove with the windows down and my arm resting on the edge, occasionally surfing my hand on the cool summer breeze. I felt like the country girl I grew up as with my big truck and pearl snap shirt cruising down a country road. With Black Betty currently without a radio of any kind, I decided to just listen to and savor the trip instead of singing to myself like I usually do. There was the sound of lawn mowers, motorcycles passing by, and of course the constant summer chorus of cicadas! I smelled fresh cut grass, burn piles smoking, and hamburgers on the grill. It was absolutely lovely in all of it's simplicity! The drive was just not long enough!

I love that I own my truck. I love (mostly ;) that my parents are only 10 minutes away. I love that there is a lake close by. I'm grateful that even when so many other things in life are just so shitty, there are still moments to love and cherish.

I love driving with the windows down :)

Great Blogs To Follow

I just have to share these blogs I follow! For those of you who are photographers, enjoy photography, or appreciate photography, you will love these blogs! The photos are absolute eye candy!

http://abeautifulimageblog.com/

and

http://kellybeane.com/

and

http://blogbykriea.com/

Anywho! These ladies are my inspiration! Check them out...they are truly absolutely fabulous!

Sushi and stuff

It appears that my last two posts were written in moments of slight intoxication. Um...I apologize for that...yeah. So moving on!

I ate sushi for the first time in my life this past Wednesday!!! It was AMAZING!!! And! I drank sake for the first time in my life that night as well! AND! I was not completely uncoordinated using chopsticks like I thought I would be. I really cannot say why exactly but this was a big deal for me! I even ate octopus and I really think that it was my favorite! Amy took me to Tokyo Sushi up in the city. I knew that trying sushi for the first time should be with someone who knows sushi rather than picking some up from like Wal Mart or something...ugh...can you imagine? Anyway! This place looked like a shack...to put it simply. An interesting shack anyway...like one you might find on a beach with the boards all weathered and whipped by sand and sea. However, I've learned not to judge an establishment based on outside appearances in my experiences and besides I totally trust Amy! And I think that shacky (my new word) looking places are usually rather fabulous! The inside was all squishy and narrow with a display of all the raw offerings right there when you walk in. The giant tentacle of octopus threw me a little bit but I still agreed to eat some...which obviously I'm glad I did! I felt insecure and redneck like people were going to make fun of me for not being cultured enough to work some chopstick...but I quickly banished that insecurity and opened myself up to the experience. I think Amy described me as a "sushi hero." Was that the right phrase, Amy? She said most people aren't so hard core on their first sushi experience. My thought is that if you are going to try something new, you might as well submerge yourself in to it! So I submerged myself and can't wait to eat sushi again! Holy cow it's hella expensive though! Amy treated me though and paid for two thirds of it...which was a pretty good chunk! I'm so happy to have her for a friend...and not because she bought me dinner! Geez I'm not that kind of person! I'm happy to have her as a friend because she introduces me to new experiences and she can speak intelligently about things. People are stupid these days, you know, so I've become somewhat of an intellectual snob. Sorry, stupid people.

Speaking of stupid people! I'm merging on to an on ramp for the interstate and out of no where there's this little corvette right there beside me causing me to continue barreling down the shoulder. This jack ass didn't have their mother f*ing lights on!!! So...well...road rage embraced me in all of it's burning glory and I sped Black Betty, my big ass truck remember, up on the corvette's inadequate rear and blasted my horn and flashed my lights. Then I pulled up beside them and flipped them off...all the while being a safe driver and hoping they get pulled over :) Stupid people should not be allowed to drive...especially on the interstate! Driving 101: make sure your headlights are on while driving at night.

I fail at being girly. I'm pretty excited when I get my nails painted decently...usually I cannot do this and eventually give up and berate myself for sucking at being a girl as I grab the polish remover and cotton balls. I can't even fix my own freaking hair! I tried to use a round brush while blow drying it yesterday and could not get my arm or wrist or hand to control the brush in a styling sort of way. What the hell is wrong with me? I often times forget to put on jewelry even though I love it and have several nice pieces. I can't do my eye makeup worth a flip! My hair gets all ratty and tangled even if I'm just sitting. It's like the places on my body where girlish indulgences are supposed to take place actively reject any sort of style or beauty. Fail!

It's taken me like an hour to write this because I've been doing other things as well...next time I will focus more. It's a little after 3 in the afternoon now so I think I'll brush my hair, wash my face, and put some clothes on now. First let me find a sushi picture...

yummy yummy yummy!

Here's my painted fingernails I actually succeeded at! Yay! Tommy wasn't supposed to be in the picture. I was only trying to showcase my painted fingernails with my Jack on the Rocks... good stuff :)

Mojito noche

How does one respond to this: A boyfriend and a girlfriend. Together 3 years...the first year and third year were rocky but that middle year was splendid! Going in to the fourth year, things are once again splendid...mostly. Have lived together 1 year and 8 months. Tonight... we're watching the movie Push and we take a bathroom/make another Mojito break. So I ask, "If you could have a super power, what would it be?" This may seem like a first date type of question and maybe I did ask this some time in the past but if I did, I don't remember. Boyfriend answers, "I'd freeze time and move about it independently." Great! Upon further investigation... Me- "To do good right?!!!" (With enthusiasm and vigor!). Boyfriend..."Well..." Me- "What????? Would you be a villian???" Boyfriend..."Probably" and laughs/snickers. Me- What the...???!!!....really???...

He laughs some more and there's this awkward let's face facts situation...but all the time I'm thinking, "What the hell???!" Seriously! There was no resolution! I told him that I couldn't be with someone who could see themself as being a villian and he got all pissed off at me for finding some way that I couldn't be with him. This is a hypothetical situation remember? I said something along the lines of, "Well you're not a villian so we don't have to worry about it...right? There's nothing dark inside you right...you're not going to kill me in the middle of the night...right...right?" ( A little nervous). He's still pissed off at me for finding some reason not to be with him. Somehow we got past this little altercation and now I'm bloggin and he's playing World of Warcraft. Does that sound right? Yeah...remember...drinking a Mojito...now and then. Maybe I'm being stupid and somene needs to slap me. What the hell though! Only 2 followers on this little blog! How the hell do you get your crazy ramblings out there? I need feedback.

"We have somebody who's DC in our raid- Tommy." What the hell does that mean? That's what he just said on his little headset thing. It's just that...ugh...in times like these...when we were supposed to have a dinner together and a movie on the couch and sweet love making where ever...but instead I'm fishing for compliments on the dinner and inquiring about the movie and trying to ignore his nerdy little lingo on the net...well that's just not what I had in mind.

Damn. I've had one to many drinks with rum to write coherently. It may be time for me to stop. But seriously?! My 2 followers...the question of the post is..."What do you do when you are in a relationship with someone you love beyond reason but drives you absolutely crazy???" (And should I actively seek people to follow me or would that be way to needy and pathetic?)

Love to Amy and Aura since they are all who follow!

:) Sorry for my intoxication.

So much...

I drove out to my parents today, but my mama was the only one home. She was tired and not feeling well so I left with the promise to come tomorrow and headed to the lake. Lake Thunderbird is just down the road from where I grew up and though it's known as Lake Dirty Bird, it's always been a great lake to me! I've swam in that lake since I was a little girl and I've camped there since I was 17...it's a good lake...it's red because the mud is red here...hello...it's Oklahoma! I drove out there to take some photos, but instead I drove around with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart. There were so many people there! Out on their boats, camping, grilling, listening to music, fishing, and spending time with friends and family. When I was 17, I had a great group of friends who got together as often as possible to be at the lake. My family was healthy and happy and life was simple and stress free. I guess that's how the perspective is for most young women still in high school with the world right there to conquer. Remembering this time of my life kept me inside of my truck instead of outside taking pictures...I didn't want to capture the lake with all the activity because I wasn't part of that activity! And then I thought...who can I call to come out here and enjoy the lake with me? Tommy has plans today. Amy's in Mexico. Michelle is never available. Roxy's with her family. Christi has a child. Sarah is not well. Ashley's in Iowa. Other friends are all over the United States. Nicole is in Moore. Haven't talked to Jeff in almost 2 years. Friends from work are at work. No one! I couldn't think of anyone that would be able to come out and enjoy the lake with me. My eyes are watering now.

I wished Chris Harp was in Oklahoma. But then I thought...well it's been more than 2 years since I last saw him let alone talk to him so even if he was here, he hasn't made any attempt to be a part of my life this whole time so why would he even want to come out to the lake with me? I've lost him too.

I've lost the lake chapters of my life. I can't even recreate them because everything is so different. But that's life isn't it? We grow up, we change, we live separate lives, and nothing is ever the same. I just wish...I wish so much...that I could at least go back in time for a weekend at the lake with my friends.

The sadness has seized me now. I'm crying and the pressure in my chest is so great I feel like this heavy sob needs to escape and echo through time. The echo could travel back 10 years and alert me that I need to hold on to the moments I love and understand that they must be cherished because I will never have them again.

Alcohol is a depressant. That's an excuse for the tears.

Really though...I'm not depressed. I've battled depression for years but I can control it now. It's just that in this moment I want things to be different. I want to be at the lake right now! I want tiki torches surrounding the sight and a fire blazing with music playing softly. I want laughter and stories and enjoyment without alcohol. I want a tent full of people all smashed together. I want to wake up with the sun beating down on me coaxing me out of a crowded sleeping mesh of friends. I want simplicity...so much!

Well there it is. A useless dream. An unattainable wish. The past. Time for bed. I will think about the good ol' times though as I settle down...and I'll hope for dreams of the past.

Saving Grace

Look at me! I figured out how to customize my blog! I'm not as completely clueless as I thought...whoo hoo! Now I feel more inspired to put all of my ramblings on this little outlet I've so lovingly created! This could become an addiction. Just wait and see...

So! Normally on my days off I spend the time running around visiting people, helping family and friends, taking care of business, cleaning or organizing, and things of that nature. Sometimes I'm just a slug. Today was one of those days. I use to feel badly when I had days like today but now I'm realizing that I deserve the down time. I pretty much stayed on the couch and ate junk food...also caught up with some of my shows on the DVR...God bless the DVR!!! :)

One of my favorite shows is Saving Grace. I love this show so much that sometimes I'm inspired to re think my career choice and pursue law enforcement instead. I would not have the stomach for it, however, because I'd probably just want to kill all the evil rapists, molesters, murderers, etc. There are some really awful stories on this show, but in the end the good guys win and the bad guys get there come up ins! And it's set in OKC so there's talk of my beloved Sooners, remembrance of our bombing tragedy, and reference to good ol' Oklahoma landmarks :) Holly Hunter is Grace and she is really a phenomenal actress...so passionate! New shows on Tuesdays by the way. Last week, Grace was drugged and tattooed with angel wings...not sure yet how she will take it but I for one think the tattoo is beautiful and the crazy person who did it to her wasn't doing it to be evil...I mean he was flippin' crazy...but he thought he was saving her by giving her wings to fly. I wonder if I can find a picture of it. I'll try. Psh...no luck. Here's a good one though...


These are the detectives on the show...with the other woman being the forensic specialist. The element that sets this show apart is that Grace has a "last chance angel." His name is Earl and he has a gut and wears flannel and talks with a strong okie twang...but he sometimes shows his angel wings and they are lovely and he is such a lovely character. I'm not going to summarize the show but it's so absolutely interesting. An example of it's uniqueness: God manifests as a big dopey dog with his long tongue hanging out of his closed mouth...it was a great scene! The show and the experiences make me want to feel the light and breath of God and divinity. I'll have to write more about my spiritual beliefs another time. Here's Earl and Grace.


I can't wait to write sometime when the thoughts in my head just flow...right now my head is cluttered with the thoughts of Monday...I despise Mondays...blah! Well at least I had a nice weekend:)

Computer challenged

I seriously feel like a total idiot when it comes to the computer. What is the best way to learn? I want to know how to make my blog layout my own design and use my own photos. I also want to learn some photoshop stuff...yes I know I ranted about people photoshopping the hell out of their images but I'm not against it...I just don't like it when people overly photoshop...not in general either...just the times when they can't take a good picture to begin with and rely on photoshop to fix it. Anyway! I can't even make a freakin' photo collage!!! I'm so behind as a modern day photographer...I seriously fail. Fail I tell ya! Dang it.

I guess I should start by buying some actual photoshop software. My current software is Adobe 2.0 I think...or something equally pathetic. Yes I know...lame.

Ugh. It's almost 2 in the morning. I need to go to bed so I can get up in the morning and get new tires for my truck. Must go now. Must post picture first so that this is more interesting. Will find something random.

Makes me laugh every time!

Fail!

Well so much for blogging regularly! I fail. I really need to get on it because I've been feeling so nostalgic lately, and I don't necessarily want to journal about all of that...I'd rather reminisce in blog land. I read this book recently...The Myth of You and Me...and it got me to thinking about the friendships I have in my life. There's Michelle, friend of 20 years, and there's Amy, friend of 13 years. I consider another 4 girlfriends and my sister as best friends as well, but, not counting my sister, my friendships with Michelle and Amy have existed the longest. Another thing that sets them apart is that there was a time with each of them when the friendship could have ended. This book is about a friendship that ends 8 years prior to the present tense of the story. I recommend it as a good read and one that will make you feel grateful for the friendships maintained throughout life. As the three of us have gotten older, naturally our lives have changed so much!


In the beginning of our friendship I thought Amy would move back to California and live in a nifty little place near the ocean where she'd collect sea glass and wear funky jewelry and love a man with long hair who played guitar and wrote poetry. Thankfully she is still here in Oklahoma and she still has great taste in jewelry. Her husband does not have long hair but he does play guitar! :) Our friendship went through a troubled period near the end of high school...it could have been the beginning of the end. But even with the distance we experienced during college and the changes we went through becoming adults, our friendship survived and is stronger than ever being as we are now women and not silly girls!




In the beginning I thought Michelle would live in a studio apartment surrounded by her art and maybe a pool table and she'd drink vodka straight from the bottle and wouldn't let a man in to her heart. Her art is not as apparent as it once was but she's very much still the artist. No there is none of the vodka from the bottle thing going on...yay! She has let a man into her heart but she is still very cautious. The big upset in our friendship was about four years ago and it could have easily been the end. There was a seriously long period of silence but I was eventually forgiven and the situation opened my eyes to an even bigger problem with me personally...but I'm not going there today! Anyway! Here we are! This fall will be 20 years being friends and we plan on having a kick ass anniversary party!

The three of us have been spending a lot of time together and it's been wonderful! It's the first time in our lives when all three of us have been in relationships so it's really great when we all spend time as couples. Each of us are so different from each other in so many ways and there's no doubt how different our men are from each other...but we all mesh together well! There is no myth to these friendships and relationships. Though they have changed, they have always been real and genuine. I have my boyfriend, my family, my career, and my dreams...but I'd be so much less if I didn't have my girlfriends. I love you sisterfriends!

Tranquility in the Darkroom

I've wanted to blog for a while because more and more photographers are blogging. But this isn't really going to be my photography blog I don't think. I'm a photographer who learned the art in the old fashion way and am still behind in the ways of technology. I know I need to embrace the digital age and learn all that there is to know, but I never feel like I have time...so I must make time! At least I shoot with a DSLR now! I miss the darkroom though...the dim yellow light, the smell of chemicals, the water running in the rinse baths. There was a tranquility there and a relationship with the photo I was creating. It wasn't about sitting in front of a computer screen and photo shopping the hell out of a mediocre picture. I knew from the moment I pressed the shutter button that I captured something special...and when I brought it to the darkroom, I only had to get the settings right on the enlarger and the crop right on the paper. Then I could watch it come alive in the chemicals with the satisfaction of knowing that I created that! My photography has gotten better over the years, so when I look over the photos from the days of the darkroom, they aren't as great as they were in those moments...but they still mean something to me and I'm still proud of them. Even with DSLRs and the convenience of the digital age, I still hope to have my own darkroom again someday. Here are a couple of favorites from shooting film and printing in a darkroom.

My sister with my guitar. This particular border was known as the scary flash.



Shot with infrared film out at Lake Thunderbird. This is Annie.



My instructor, Ron, helped with this one. I took a macro of some shells and printed the photo like normal. Then we took that photo and cut this design out and did another print using a reversal process. All in the darkroom! A color darkroom is pitch black by the way.

So there are a few. Working with film and processing and printing the "old fashion" way are all just really therapeutic. I cherished the times when I could be by myself with my shoes kicked off dancing barefoot around the darkroom.